Adopting a Toddler
Naively self-confident, my husband and I adopted a young child who had experiencedsevere neglect and many disruptions in his first year-and-a-half of life. After all,we reasoned, we both had extensive experience working with people who have a widevariety of special needs; I had worked in the field of child development and educationfor years, and we were already experienced parents. Our self- confidence evaporatedwithin hours of Gustavo’s arrival. Six years later, we are still learning, but whatwe have learned from our own experience and from other toddler adoptive parents couldfill a book. In fact, it has.*
Toddlerhood is a well-defined and distinctstage of human development. Yet, the available adoption literature talks primarilyabout infants and older children. Therefore, many prospective adoptive parents assumethat a toddler is little more than an infant, eagerly awaiting parents with whomto bond. And as such, the child is unencumbered by conscious memories of other parentsand unaffected by months or years of neglect or other abuse. Many hope that toddleradoption will help them avoid the demanding baby stage, or that a toddler will becomean immediate playmate for older children. Parents and professionals alike often happilyembrace the popular theory that with proper love and good behavior management, thetoddler can quickly overcome previous trauma and attach to the family. While somedo quickly adjust to their adoptive families, many parents have found that theirtoddlers display intense anger and grief, aggressively reject their adoptive parents,are hypersensitive to stress, and quickly revert to their own hard-earned survivaltactics—even after they’re firmly attached to their new parents.
Challengesand Rewards
Toddler adoption presents unique rewards and unusual challenges. It’s time thatparents and professionals acknowledge that specific preparation techniques, transitionstrategies, and special parenting approaches are needed to help toddlers adjust totheir new families.
Most toddlers have acquired a sense of humor and rudimentary communication skills.The developmentally normal toddler displays an emerging sense of autonomy and hasacquired an impressive array of physical skills. However, many also arrive with anarray of challenging behaviors caused by early neglect, abuse, or multiple disruptionsin caregivers. But unlike older children, toddlers are unable to participate in thepreparation, transition, and therapeutic strategies typically used with older, moreadvanced children.
Toddlers are a bundle of contradictions. Many keep their adoptive parents at baythrough their anger, grief, and natural urge toward independence. Encouraging a newlyadopted toddler’s dependence and trust while supporting his emerging independenceis a confounding task for both the child and parent. Communication skills often suffera setback, and may be forever affected by changes in a child’s primary language.Even domestically adopted toddlers must adjust to different communication stylesand expectations. Comfortable routines, all-important to the toddler’s sense of security,often disappear with an adoption. More devastating than a change in routine, manytoddlers are unceremoniously and abruptly moved from one setting to another. Notsurprisingly, they conclude that they are powerless to prevent caregivers from magicallyappearing or disappearing at will, they resist attaching to new caregivers.
Parents who make a deliberate and informed decision to dopt a toddler are generallybetter prepared to respond to their child’s special needs. Also, the most satisfiedtoddler adopters believe in the rightness of their adoption. Parents who carefullyprepare their home, head, and heart for a new toddler feel more entitled to parenttheir child.Important groundwork includes toddler-proofing the home, enlisting thesupport of family, friends, and other adoptive parents, and preparing siblings.
Planning for Transition
A planned transition helps resolve grief,allows for transference of attachment, and assists development of healthy attachmenttoward the permanent parent(s). In the ideal situation, toddlers are introduced totheir new parents via pictures, letters, conversations, and preplacement visits thatallow a gradual transfer of care from the former caregiver(s) to the adoptive parent(s).Toddlers need to witness the former caregiver’s permission and support for the roletheir new parents are assuming to shift their love and loyalty without feeling guilt.
Caregivers can prepare toddlers for their adoptions by marking time until adoptionin some concrete manner, introducing new routines, reading books about adoption,and using language to reinforce the pending adoption. Transition objects---thoseitems that children take with them from one setting to another such as a toy or blanket---provide a sense of comfort and continuity to the toddler. A child’s bedding, toys,and familiar clothing should accompany them whenever possible. A Lifebook can alsobe used during and after placement to help the adopted toddler connect his past andpresent life. Postplacement visits assure the toddler that his former caregiversstill exist, provide further evidence that his caregivers are supporting his adoption,and allow him to gradually transfer attachment.
Adoptive parents will want to have at least a rudimentary knowledge of the developmentaltasks of toddlers so they can respond appropriately to their child’s behaviors andplan activities that stimulate their development. Children need to be parented accordingto their developmental age which may not correspond to their chronological age. Manyadopted toddlers display acute grief during their first weeks and months at home,seen in crying, withdrawal, poor appetite, seeking behavior, sleep difficulties,fear, or infantile behaviors. Acknowledging and supporting their child’s grief isone of the first acts of love adoptive parents can give their new toddler. Grievingtoddlers should be supported in their need to grieve the loss of former caregivers.Offering well-known food and maintaining a familiar routine is comforting. Accommodatinga grieving toddler’s need for being fed or comforted in a manner usually reservedfor infants also supports the grief and provides a wonderful opportunity to developattachment.
Attachment
Attachment issues are central to literally every toddleradoption. If the toddler has enjoyed a secure attachment, the parents must supporther through the task of transferring her attachment to her new caregivers. However,if the toddler has not experienced a secure attachment, the parents will be confrontedwith the challenging task of building attachment. Attachment problems are indicatedby developmental delays, resistance to being comforted and cuddled, ambivalent orrejecting behavior toward parents, raging and aggressive behavior, extremely negativeand controlling behavior, unorganized play, absent or extreme separation anxiety,and premature independence. The number of disruptions and the manner in which thosedisruptions occurred has a significant effect on the toddler’s resistance or responsivenessto attachment strategies. Other factors that affect the attachment process includehow long and when children experienced inadequate parenting, prenatal conditions,and individual characteristics of the child. Parents feel more secure if they focuson their role in fostering attachment and celebrate progress in that direction, nomatter how slow it seems in developing.
To create the attachment cycle with newly adopted toddlers, parents must initiallyprovide for their child’s needs on demand in the same way that parents try to meetthe needs of a newborn. Parents will want to establish themselves as the consistentproviders of their child’s needs. Intrusive strategies such as deliberately regressingto the bottle-feeding state may be needed with a particularly resistant toddler.The holding and eye-contact that such feeding provides are strong attachment builders.
Parents will also want to be as assertive and persistent as necessary to strengthenattachment through touch, but may need to help the toddler who has shut down hissensory receptors develop tactile awareness. Martha Welch describes an assertiveapproach to physical contact her book Holding Time (1988). Even while parentsare recreating the attachment cycle, they will want to foster their toddler’s continuinggrowth in all development areas...a demanding process that requires a delicate balancingact.
Structure and consistency are essential for the newly adopted toddler. Morning,meal, and bedtime routines are especially important. Family rituals are also effectivein building attachment and creating a sense of belonging. Family rituals may be asdiverse as Thursday-night-pizza, once-a-week family meetings, or “Gotcha” Day celebrations.
Sometimes parenting strategies to promote attachment need to be supplemented byprofessional interventions. Family therapy, play therapy, and behavioral therapyhave all been used successfully by some families in achieving the desired outcome.There are also therapeutic strategies specifically intended for children with attachmentdisorders, including rage reduction holding therapy and theraplay.
A small number of toddlers continue to display significant developmental delaysand attachment problems for years following their adoption. However, the majorityof children adopted as toddlers whom I know who were prepared and gradually transitionedto their adoptive homes, and whose parents employed specific attachment strategies,are now strongly attached to their new parents and functioning within the normaldevelopmental range in their home and school environments.
This article has been adapted from Toddler Adoption: The Weaver'sCraft by Mary Hopkins-Best. For more information about this book, clickhere.
CARE TO COMMENT? Send us an email message
