What Should I Tell My Child About the Birthparents?

It is important for you to sort out your own feelings about the birthparents before you talk to your child. Be assured that no matter what you say about the birthparents, the child will pick up on your real feelings. According to expert Beverly McKay Zimmerman, adoptive parents ". . . may feel threatened, jealous, grateful to, disapproving of, or superior to this unknown couple." Do you think you know why the birthparents chose adoption? Can you imagine yourself in the same situation? Zimmerman says it is crucial to examine these kinds of feelings and accept them.

It is best not to depict the birthparents as bad people. If the birthparents are perceived as bad, the child will conclude that maybe she is bad too. Even if the birthparents were highly abusive, it is better (and still true) to simply say that they were not able to handle being parents.

The overall goal in describing birthparents should be to present them as real people. While adopted children may fantasize that their birthparents are either wonderful and exciting people, or that they are drug addicts or criminals, the reality is that most birthparents are regular, normal people. They could not parent the child and so they chose adoption. Whether they were abusive, drug- dependent, poor, too young, or whatever—the bottom line is that they could not parent the child.

If the child wonders what a birthparent looked like and you know, tell the child. You may have a photograph of the birthparent which you can show the preteen child. If the child has questions and you are not sure of the answers, you may be able to obtain additional information from the child placing agency. Many agencies now offer postplacement services for families.

If the child expresses worry over the birthmother, speculating that she is dead, reassure your child that the birthmother is probably healthy and safe. It is also important to reassure your child that the birthmother will not attempt to reclaim the child—another common fear of adopted children.

The child may express anger at his birthparents. One 10-year-old child told his adoptive mother that he was very angry at his birthparents for neglecting him and his siblings, who were later all adopted together. She replied that his birthparents were just not able to be parents and had never learned how. The child said that in that case, he was mad at his grandparents. The mother replied that perhaps his grandparents had not learned either. The child thought and thought and then he said "Okay, then. If there was anybody who KNEW and still didn't teach the others, then that is the person I am mad at." Apparently this explanation satisfied the child and his anger lessened.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)