What Should I Tell My Child About Why He Was Adopted?

"Your Birthmother Loved You But . . ."

Some social workers and some children's books encourage adoptive parents to tell their children that they were placed for adoption because the birthmother loved the child greatly, even when the child was severely abused. Experts strongly disagree.

Dr. Denis Donovan argues that many of his clients are in therapy because of such statements. "The `two mother dilemma' and the exculpatory `she really loved you but . . .' explanation of the circumstances of relinquishment place a totally irrational cognitive burden on the immature and developing mind. Through these `explanations,' love comes to be equated with abandonment very early in the child's life, thus creating potentially serious blocks to attachment and a sense of unreality and ingenuineness."

Donovan also argues that telling the child the birthmother chose adoption because she loved him can cause the child to come to the conclusion that ". . . there must have been something wrong with the child—since what reasonable adult would have given away a perfectly good baby!"

Another problem with this explanation is that you love the child too. Does this mean you might place the child for adoption some day? The child may also feel that he must be extra good to merit the sacrifice made by the birthmother—a sacrifice in which he had no decisionmaking power.

The birthmother may have been a wonderful and caring person, but the bottom line was that she could not parent the child. She may have loved the child, but that was not her primary reason for placing the child. Her primary reason was whatever prevented her from being able to rear the child.

"The Birthparents Were Poor"

Sometimes adoptive parents are advised to tell their children that they were adopted because their parents were poor, or that they were abandoned at an orphanage. Although it may be true that the birthparents were poor, it is best not to emphasize their socioeconomic status. (In fact, in the United States, most birthparents come from middle- class families.)

The poverty explanation may cause all sorts of negative feelings in the child. If they were poor, why didn't someone help them? The child is likely to feel sorry for the birthparents and feel guilty about being adopted. This is particularly true in the case of international adoptions. Children adopted from other countries because of conditions of poverty may begin to feel a kind of survivor guilt as they grow into adolescence. They may wonder why they were adopted while the other kids in the orphanage had to remain.

Poverty and abandonment explanations seldom give the whole picture and may be unfair to the birthparents. In some foreign countries, birth control may be hard to come by, and single parenthood may be frowned upon by the culture.

Thus, social disapproval could have been a major factor in the adoption decision. Abandoning the child at an orphanage may have been the only way the birthmother knew (or the only legal way) to cause the child to be adopted.

Another problem with the "birthparents were poor" explanation is that if you should suffer a financial loss, get laid off from your job, or even unthinkingly complain about not having enough money, your child might conclude that he will be placed for adoption again. After all, you told the child that poverty was an acceptable reason for placing a child for adoption. This is an unspoken and unnecessary fear for your child to suffer. If you must emphasize poverty as the reason for your child being placed for adoption, you should at least be certain to tell your child that financial problems would never cause you to consider adoption.

In summary, it is all right to agree with the child, if she brings it up, that poverty may have been a problem for the birthparents, but it is generally not a good idea to say that poverty was the only reason for the adoption.

Other Do's and Don'ts

It is important to convey to the child that the circumstances leading to the adoption were not the child's fault. Magical thinking is common in young children, who often believe that when a parent dies or divorces, they made it happen by bad thoughts or deeds. Consequently, they are stricken with horror at what they have caused.

In one case cited by a psychiatrist, a child was totally convinced that he was placed for adoption because he was bad until a therapist literally backed him into a corner and forced him to hold an infant. The therapist asked the child how a baby like this could possibly be bad, and the child suddenly realized that it could not, and that he couldn't have been bad either.

Children also sometimes believe they were placed for adoption because they were not good enough to be kept. If the child was adopted as an infant, emphasize the fact that birthparents often choose adoption long before the child is even born. This will show the child that it could not possibly be his fault that he was adopted, and that it had nothing to do with his appearance, behavior, or any other characteristic.

If the child was adopted as an older child, the emphasis is more likely to be on the fact that the parent was unable to be a parent because of various problems in the parent's life. Stress the fact that these problems were unrelated to the child but made the parent incapable of being a good parent to any child at that time.

Avoid depicting your family as saviors of the child, even if that might be society's view. This places too much of a burden on the child. If others heap accolades on you for adopting, especially in the child's presence, explain politely that the entire family gained from the adoption, and the child was very much wanted.

Telling your child that he is "special" or "chosen" can also be problematic. In most cases the child was not specifically chosen. Also, being special could be burdensome for the child, who may worry whether he or she can live up to this label. Instead, tell your child your family was formed by adoption, which conveys the specialness idea.

If you are religious, you may want to say that God sent the child to you, and that God sends some children biologically and others through adoption. Many adoptive parents strongly believe in the truth of this statement.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)