Special Situations

When Your Child Is of a Different Racial/Ethnic Heritage Than You
If you have adopted a child from another country or of a different racial or ethnic background, the child may have many questions, typically from the preschool years on. Why is her skin brown and yours a tan color? How come you have straight hair and hers is curly? As a result, you will need to explain that there are many different kinds of people, some with curly hair, some with straight, and some with brown skin and some with beige skin. Let her know that all colors and textures are attractive. Explain that skin and hair colors come from the birthparents and that sometimes children grow up with the parents they were born to and sometimes children grow up with parents who adopt them.

The child's racial heritage usually won't cause problems until she begins school. Teachers and parents may be very surprised to see a parent who does not resemble the child. There may be cruel remarks and tears. You should be prepared to always strongly support your child in the face of a sometimes uncaring world.

When Your Child Was Adopted as an Older Child
In this case, your child may have experienced many foster care placements as well as a chaotic life with his biological parents before he finally came to your family. He knows his name and the name of his parents, but he will probably still be confused and angry about the situation. Children who were abused by their birthparents may still long for their love and may believe that love was withheld or distorted due to some fault of their own.

It is important to discuss adoption with your older child. It can also be very helpful for him or her to meet other adopted children at social functions of adoptive parent groups.

Open Adoptions
In open adoptions, the identities of the birthparents and adoptive parents are known to each other, and there may be some type of ongoing contact. Thus, the child not only knows he was adopted, but may even speak to the birthparents on a regular basis.

At first thought, it may seem unnecessary to explain adoption to a child under these circumstances. However, adoptive parents must still explain to the child why he was adopted. Just remember to keep in mind your child's emotional maturity and not give him more information than he is able to deal with.

According to Judith Schaffer and Christina Lindstrom, authors of How to Raise an Adopted Child, often the birthmother in an open adoption has a relationship with the child similar to an aunt or friend of the family and the adopted child generally calls the birthmother by her first name. When the child is older, he or she may refer to the birthmother as "the woman who gave birth to me."

Sharon Kaplan and Mary Jo Rillera, who are strong supporters of this type of "cooperative adoption," state that the child experiencing this dynamic may need assistance in integrating information. They also point out that "it will be important as (s)he grows that there is a clear understanding of who is the parent in charge."

For more information on this topic, refer to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse factsheet on "Open Adoption."

Infertility
If you chose to adopt a child because you or your spouse is infertile, this information can be shared with your child at any age, tailored to what the child can understand. You may wish to skip over this fact or brush aside that it was painful for you to face infertility, because you do not want your child to feel second-best. Don't worry! When you were seeking a biological child, you had no idea that some day you would be blessed with your adopted child. This concept can be conveyed in words, gestures, and by your overall attitude.

Be sure to explain that once you realized you could not have a child biologically, your strong desire to be a parent remained and you realized that through adoption, your family could be made complete. And so you learned about adoption and ultimately succeeded by having the right child placed with you: the child you adopted.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)