Explaining Adoption to Your Child, Page 6

Good and Bad Times To Talk With Your Child

Experts say that parents should do their best to answer a child's questions about adoption when they are asked. This is not always possible. If you are in the middle of a task requiring complete concentration, assure the child you will talk to him or her later, then do not forget to follow up.

The best times are calm moments (yes, they do occur!) when you are not distracted by other things. If your home is too busy, you could take the child to the park or on a low-key outing.

When you are looking at family albums or videos, it may also be a good time to discuss adoption. It is always important to remember, however, that you should observe the body language of your child. If it is very clear from what your child says and how he acts that he does not wish to talk about the issue, then drop it. Occasionally some well-meaning parents bring up the subject of adoption too much, and this annoys the child.

Looking at photograph albums or making a lifebook with your child can provide more opportunities to talk about adoption and elicit and respond to questions. A lifebook is a special kind of scrapbook that documents all the places a child has lived and the people that have been important to him, up to and including the adoptive family. A listing of books, including some about how to make a lifebook, is included at the end of this factsheet.

Adoptive parent groups can provide an opportunity for the child to meet and mingle with other adopted children and learn that he or she is not the only adopted child in the world. Being told that is one thing; seeing it is another.

Another way to provide information on adoption is to offer books to your child. When the child is young, picture books such as Susan and Gordon Adopt a Baby, Why Was I Adopted? and many others may be read to them. When they are older, there are other more advanced children's books which can be read to them or which the child may read to him or herself.

One of the best ways to convey positive yet realistic attitudes about adoption is to talk to your child about adoption in general. Use natural opportunities. For instance, if you hear about an upcoming television show with a favorable adoption theme, try to watch it together and talk about it afterwards. Your child will often hear you talk to other people about adoption. If you sound positive, your child will pick up on this attitude. If you become easily offended or angry, your child will sense that adoption can be problematic.

If a happy medium can be achieved, with the child knowing about the adoption, understanding that it is an important part of her life, and knowing she can ask questions about it, but not believing it is the primary family topic that underlies everything, then such a happy medium is best.

There are also bad times to talk about adoption. When your family is in a crisis because of financial problems, family problems, health problems, or some other distressing situation, it is not a good time to sit down and talk to Ashley about how, when and why she was placed for adoption. If Ashley herself is demanding an explanation then, tell her that you need time, whether it is hours or days, to compose yourself so that you can concentrate on what she is asking you.

Never discuss adoption when you or your child are angry or upset. You may be upset due to the problems mentioned above. Or you may be very calm but your child may be distraught over a bad report card. This is not the time to bring up a discussion about her birthparents. If you bring up adoption while you're discussing the report card, she may believe that you think she is not as bright as her adoptive family. Otherwise, why would you bring it up at this time?

The adoption explanation should never be used as an attack. One adopted adult remembers with great pain an argument he had with his parents when he was 18. At the height of the argument, his father blurted out, "Well, you're adopted!" The relationship was troubled for years thereafter. It would have been much better if his parents had told him about his adoptive status in a quiet and calm moment. It still would have been a shock, but it probably wouldn't have caused a serious break in his relationship with his parents.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)