Dealing with Feelings of Sadness

Although experts disagree about whether or not a primal attachment to the birthmother exists (there is no scientific proof of such an attachment), it is true that there will be times when you and your child may feel sad about the adoption.

Small children may feel sad upon learning that they were not actually born from their adoptive mother's womb. Some may express a wish to climb back into the mother's womb and then be born from her. This comes from the child's love for the adoptive mother. You will not be sad that you adopted the child, but you may also wish the child could have been born to you. Sharing this wish can be a very positive and bonding experience for both parent and child.

The child may feel sadness because his biological parents are unknown, and he may wonder about why they really chose adoption, despite what you tell him. Children often fantasize about birthparents, particularly when they are angry with their parents, or at certain ages such as adolescence. Virtually all children at some point in time wish they had parents who were richer, more beautiful, and certainly less strict than their own parents. Adopted children are further burdened by knowing that they do have another set of parents, the birthparents.

While sad feelings may be difficult to confront, they are not going to be present all day, every day. They can be dealt with, and then both you and your child can get on with the business of life. They may resurface many times, but they need not prevent a happy, fulfilling family life together.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)