Explaining Adoption to Your Child, Page 8

Helping Your Child Deal with Negative Attitudes from Others

Nearly all adoptive parents will have to deal with situations when others use negative or insulting terminology, such as "Your Mom gave you away." The helplessness and rage many parents feel when they hear people say these things can be difficult to handle. A normally peaceful person may become quite angry and aggressive in this scenario.

Children will learn, whether you tell them or not, the sad truth that society in general does not view adoption very favorably. Your child will hear upsetting remarks and negative comments about adoption on the TV, from other children, from adults, and perhaps even from teachers. In your own home, hopefully you will use positive adoption language and talk about "birthparents" instead of "real parents," and "chose adoption" instead of "gave up" or "gave away." But unfortunately these negative terms are used by the public and they do hurt. Helping your child to realize that not everyone understands adoption is important and will help him deal with the negativity that (sadly) he is likely to encounter throughout life.

If someone tells your child he was "given away," you need to explain that children cannot be given away. What actually happened was his birthparents chose adoption because they were not able to be parents, and the adoption was approved by a social worker and a judge. The complexity of this fact may be difficult to convey. What you need to stress is that your child was not discarded because he was of no value. Place the responsibility for the adoption where it truly lies. It was a decision made by the birthparents or the State authorities, and by you, the adopting parent.

Sometimes people will ask intrusive and hurtful questions in front of your child, such as "Do you know anything about her real mother?" Even 2-year-olds can sense a negative message. Simply state that you are the parent. If you want to say more, keep it simple. Always try to include the child in the conversation if it is about her so she doesn't feel like an object being discussed. And don't feel compelled to answer questions merely out of politeness. Deflect intrusive questions by saying, "Why would you want to know that?" or "Why would you ask such a personal question?"

Author Lois Melina stresses that "information about children's birth families and their pre-adoption histories should never be shared with those outside the family, unless it is needed by a professional caring for a child. Parents who provide that information without discretion are violating their children's privacy, regardless of whether the information is positive or negative.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)