Explaining Adoption to Your Child

Inside

• Should I Tell My Child He's Adopted?
• What Should I Tell My Child About the Birthparents?
• What Should I Tell My Child About Why He Was Adopted?
• Special Situations
• Good and Bad Times to Talk with Your Child
• Dealing with Sadness
• Helping Your Child Deal with Negative Attitudes from Others

"I haven't told Amy she was adopted and she's going to start kindergarten soon! Is it too late? How can I tell her without upsetting her?" This was one distressed and panicky mother's dilemma. Many adoptive parents are concerned about when and how to talk about adoption with their children. In fact, one survey of adoptive parents showed that 82 percent wanted information on how to explain adoption to their children. Considering the many parents who attend workshops on this topic at adoption conferences, this is not surprising.

What This Factsheet Covers

Talking about adoption with your child is a very important issue, and we cannot cover everything there is to know in this factsheet. What we can do is provide you with some basic guidelines about when to tell your child about adoption, how to talk to your child, and what you should and shouldn't say.

This factsheet will also discuss your feelings about adoption and why it is important to address them. Children pick up on not only what you say but also on how you act and the emotions you display.

Finally, we will discuss helping your child deal with the attitudes of others, because the sad fact is that many people in our society are biased against adoption and adopted children.

Should I Tell My Child He's Adopted?

In the past, experts urged parents never to tell their children they were adopted and to maintain the fiction that the child was born into the family. There are several major problems with this advice.

Many experts believe that it's unfair to the child not to tell him or her about such an important issue. Not telling also forces loving parents to lie to their children—for example, when a 3-year-old asks his adoptive mother, "Did I grow in your tummy?" In addition, other people such as relatives and friends will know about the adoption and may accidentally or intentionally tell the child about it. Or the child could discover the information on his own by finding an adoption decree or other revealing document. The child could be quite upset about this and may wonder what else you have lied about.

How Do I Get Started?
As in talking with your child about sex, religion, and other complex topics, many experts suggest you introduce the information little by little, in a building block fashion. This allows your child to absorb the information gradually over the years, as he or she becomes better able to understand difficult concepts.

When your child is young, questions can be answered very simply. If he asks where he came from, he may mean "Chicago, Illinois," not his birthmother's womb. Try to understand what it is the child is seeking. If the child wants more information, it will be requested. Sometimes adoptive parents rush in with a confusing load of information that the child isn't ready for.

Make it an Ongoing Process
Talking with your child about adoption shouldn't be a one time thing. Children often need to have information repeated to them more than once before they can grasp it. Some experts, such as psychologist David Brodzinsky, believe that this is caused by the way children's thinking abilities develop as they get older. According to Brodzinsky, parents should not become anxious or confused if their children don't fully grasp their explanations the first time. So don't worry if you explain adoption to your 4-year-old child and then have to explain it all again when the child reaches 7 or 8. It doesn't mean your explanations were inadequate or wrong. It may just be that your child wasn't ready to grasp such a complex concept as adoption.

Although you shouldn't expect to tell your child about adoption when she is 3 and never mention it again, it need not be a weekly or even a monthly subject. You know your child best, so use your own judgment about when and how to talk about adoption, despite what the experts say. And remember that each child will learn the information at his own pace.

What If My Child Gets Upset?
It is important to accept that you can't protect your child from all pain—no matter how much every parent would like to. Just as you can't stop Ryan or Lakeisha from getting scraped knees, neither can you shield them from some feelings of pain, loss, and confusion upon discovering that he or she was adopted. However, sharing the information in a positive and caring way can help minimize the hurt.

Show your child that you are willing to answer questions and admit it when you do not know the answers. Just letting your child know that it is okay to talk about adoption will also help a great deal. Studies strongly suggest that the more willing the parent is to answer adoption-related questions, the better the environment is for the child.

What If I Say the Wrong Thing?
Many adoptive parents feel anxious about talking with their children about adoption. They worry that they will say the wrong thing or not have all the answers. They may clutch up every time someone brings up the subject of adoption. Experts say adoptive parents worry about these things partly because they think they should be perfect parents.

Being an adoptive parent means that you probably went through a lot more scrutiny than most biological parents, such as a home study or adoption study. You probably also wanted a child very intensely, and you may have waited for years for your child. As a result, you may feel that you must do everything just right and be the best parent on the block. In addition, some adoptive parents suffer from feelings of guilt because they feel they have kidnapped the child from the birthparents and deprived them of rearing this wonderful child. This leads them to think that they have to be super-parents to prove their worthiness.

Assuming that you adopted your child lawfully, there is no reason to feel guilty. Perfectionism is burdensome and self-defeating. Try to accept imperfection in yourself, and you won't burden yourself (and perhaps your child) with unrealistic expectations. No parent is perfect, and your best should be good enough.

This also applies when you talk to your child about adoption. No one has all the answers, and there are no perfect responses. Some of your child's questions may pull on your heartstrings and really disturb you. This response is normal and should be expected. Remember, if you believe you have made a mistake in explaining adoption to your child, in almost all cases it can be corrected.

Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov)